Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
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Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Heroic Misunderstanding
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.