I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
oh you wanna fight?!
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.