Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
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My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere