[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
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*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”