[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
No way!
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
When you kidnap a writer.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle