I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.