Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
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Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!