“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
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what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.