Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.