I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
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Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
When you let grandma cat sit
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup