{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
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*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Finally, a door that understands me
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.