Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
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“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that