If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*