interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside