Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
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ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
okay run it by me one more time
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Customer is always right
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.