Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
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If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
watergate? u mean a dam??
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.