“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
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Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?