3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
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I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
you have three unread messages
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?