I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
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Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Finally
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
This made me smile…
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
dictator is short for richard potato
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.