Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
*exercises sarcastically*
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality