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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie