Me too, bag. Me too….
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
*praying for world peace*
God:
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself