Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
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I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Proctology is located in A55
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.