I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?