You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see