My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
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My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon