Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
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The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
back to work
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…