Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
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[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know