‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
The 4 stages of a family vacation
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I think my mom just blocked me
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.