As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
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When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
me irl
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out