Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
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Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?