Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
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OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
the three genders
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Speak now or ever hold your peace
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist