I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
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Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
😍😂🥰😂😍
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
rapatouille
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I will never stop laughing at this
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy: