in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
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Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub