‘I know a black person’
– White people
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
cry laughing at this shit
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I’m having an out of money experience.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.