When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
You Might Also Like
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
BRAKING NEWS!!
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.