Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Breaking news:
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?