me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
are there any atheist mantises?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Sex so good you see dead people.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward