I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”