Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.