[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.