My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
You Might Also Like
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
repaired
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction