How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
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You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬