Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.