[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
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What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard