The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
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A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time