If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
“Huge”.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.