interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise