The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Succinctly put.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
i actually laughed 😩
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them