He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
finally found a reasonable question
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day